


Return to Sender

by kat8cha



Series: I've Got a Package For You [1]
Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe- No Supernatural, Audrey is hideously lonely, F/M, M/M, Mail Fraud, Multi, Swearing, at least i assume mail fraud IDEK, majority of these relationships are pre-fic or hinted at
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-17
Updated: 2016-12-01
Packaged: 2018-08-09 10:23:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7798162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kat8cha/pseuds/kat8cha
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Written for Kaelsmiscellany's prompt of "Haven - Threegulls - “I’ve been receiving all your freaking mail since you moved out and you keep getting weird gifts from your friend make it stop” AU - IDEC about rating, make it ridiculous and floofy; that's all I ask."</p><p>Agent Audrey Parker moved into Nathan Wournos' old apartment, a year into her stay she starts receiving packages from Duke, Nathan's ex-boyfriend.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [KaelsMiscellany](https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaelsMiscellany/gifts).



When Audrey had rented the apartment it had been clean, antiseptic even, and she kind of got the feeling that the utter sterility of the place was because of the previous inhabitant and NOT because the landlord was super obsessed with spic and span. She got that feeling from the face of the agent that showed her the apartment and from the first discussion she had with her new neighbors (an elderly pair of brothers named Vince and Dave, they were nice enough but when they started arguing) who praised the last tenant (‘Nathan’) for his attention to detail.

Almost a year later Audrey was lucky to even remember that detail. The apartment felt like it had been hers for years.

She opened the package by rote. It wasn’t her fault! A package comes to your door you open it, right? Audrey didn’t question it even though she was pretty positive she hadn’t placed any orders recently and she never received gifts because… well. Because. But she didn’t think to question the box instead she plunked it on her dining room table and used scissors to slice it open. Packing peanuts (the biodegradable kind) spilled out onto the floor.

It was the first sign that something was up but she’d had a long day chasing bad guys (okay, okay, doing paperwork) and she was looking forward to a trashy novel and a bubble bath.

She fished around and pulled out… a box of pancake mix. She examined it critically, the brand was unfamiliar but it was fair trade and organic... “Fancy…” she murmured to herself. She definitely did not remember ordering this. For one thing, she liked pancakes just fine but she wasn’t going to shell out cash for fair trade organic ingredients when she had a box of Bisquick in her cupboard. 

Unless she’d ordered it during that wild bender two weeks ago? No, she’d just told everyone her name was Lacey and kissed some random guy.

The box was too big for just a pancake pan however. She fished inside a little more and pulled out… a pan meant to make pancake smiley faces and a skull spatula.

She definitely got the feeling the box wasn’t for her. 

“Okay, let’s see who the pancake aficionado is.” Audrey flipped the box flap up and checked the address. …no… that was… her address… but that wasn’t to her. The box was addressed to ‘Officer Frowny Face C/O Nathan Wournos’. But the address was still hers… she frowned. ‘Nathan’… right, wasn’t the old occupant named Nathan? His mail forwarding must have stopped and he hadn’t… told his friends his new address? She checked the box again, there was no return address on it (which struck her as suspicious). She supposed she could check with Vince and Dave, they might have Nathan Wournos’ new address. 

She considered it for about two seconds but then her stomach growled and, well, organic all-natural trade free healthy pancakes sounded good to her.

Plus, it’s not like she was stealing it. It had been delivered to her house. The sender should have been more careful.

She didn’t think about it after that, the box sat in her hall closet gathering dust and smaller cardboard boxes until she hauled it out for recycling. She went to work, came home to her tiny empty apartment, ate her way through the box of pancake mix, went to work, came home, slept, went to work… her life wasn’t terrible exciting. Which was funny because… well, she worked for the FBI. She caught bad guys for a living! Or, at least, that’s what she had been lead to believe when she joined the FBI. Instead she found out much later (much too late) that there was more paperwork, delegating and politics involved than actual foot chases.

“Audrey,” Vince greeted her when she came into the apartment, the mail in his hands shook slightly before he tucked it under his arm, “you got a package delivered earlier. Dave brought it to our apartment to keep it safe.”

Audrey blinked at him, her hands deep in her meagerly filled mailbox. “Oh.” She hadn’t been expecting anything. “Alright, can I pick it up now?” She gave him her best winning smile.

Vince had been charmed with her from the get-go, however, and she really didn’t need to go all out for him. He smiled back. “Of course.” 

She didn’t bother to check the address, although the entire time she was talking to Vince the thought that now was the time to ask for Nathan’s new address was at the back of her mind. She took a glass of water, declined tea, and let the soothing diatribe about today’s news reporters wash away the worries of work. Revived by Vince’s ideology she carried the box back to her apartment and, only then, guilty checked.

Yup.

Nathan Wournos.

Guiltily, but curious all the same, Audrey got a pair of scissors and split the tape.

\--

The windchimes were lovely and Audrey didn’t feel guilty when she listened to their chimes in the morning. Nope. No guilt at all. They were just the right amount of kitsch and elegance with long silver chimes, dangling sea shells and a frame made of (Audrey guessed) driftwood. She had been looking for the perfect set of wind chimes, craving the comfort they had brought her as a child, and these… these were perfect. She had to wonder who the mystery gift giver was… and also about Nathan Wournos, former occupant of her apartment. Had he been fond of windchimes too? Clearly he’d been fond of pancakes since someone had gone through the effort to send him some. 

The guilt finally overwhelmed her when she received the postcard. Unlike the packages there was no mistaking that it had been meant for someone else. She got boxes, non-descript ones, occasionally but a picture of a sunny beach? The kind of sunny, sandy beach that went hand in hand with alcoholic drinks dripping with condensation and little umbrellas? No, she didn’t get postcards like that. She’d thought about… about beaches like that but she’d never…

She bit her lip as she looked at the picture.

Suddenly she wondered how much vacation time she had.

She flipped the postcard over.

Yup, to Nathan Wournos. 

‘Thinking of you,’ a broad masculine hand had scribbled on the left side, large and unmistakable and forcing the sender to write the address in cramped tiny letters, ‘Duke’.

Was the ‘Duke’ part to Nathan? Or was it the sender? Given the fanciful curlicue to the ‘e’ Audrey was betting it was the sender.

The next day the ‘postcard’ in the mail is actually just a picture, a shirtless tanned man with an unfortunately large nose that… actually really managed to work with his face had clearly taken this selfie standing on a beach very similar to (if not the exact same one) as the postcard. It was a little bit damaged, a few stress lines and smudge marks.

The back read ‘wish you were here’ and… okay. Hot stuff aside now she felt guilty. Clearly ‘Nathan’ hadn’t told this… Duke about the move and he, on his vacation, was trying to send things to his friend and here Audrey was stealing them.

She sighed. Damn, she really liked those wind chimes.

\--

“Oh, that’s Duke.” Dave said with a wave of his hand, he had forgotten he was holding a copy of the Herald in that hand and Audrey had to duck so as not to get smacked in the face. “Sorry, Audrey.”

The copy was from last week, it is currently marked with several red circles and a paragraph’s worth of scribbled commentary. She’s never asked but she wonders if Vince and Dave ever stop revising their own work. She supposed that was ‘the life of a newsman’ that Vince and Dave were always chattering about. 

“It’s alright.” Audrey suppressed the urge to roll her eyes. “That explains why the postcard is signed ‘Duke, Dave, but…” who is he? Was on the tip of her tongue. She wanted to know. Still, those questions could wait. “…but he’s sending things for Nathan Wournos to my apartment.”

“Ah…” Dave nodded. “Well, he probably didn’t get the news that Nathan had moved. After their last fight they weren’t really talking and that had to be… hm…” He looked off towards the kitchen nook where Vince was making a pot of tea. Audrey didn’t particularly want tea but offering tea seemed to be something that people from Vince and Dave’s generation did endlessly. “Vince! When did Nathan break up with Duke?”

“You mean,” Vince came out of the kitchen with a pot of tea and a plate of cookies (now those, those Audrey would accept any time), “when did Duke break up with Nathan.”

Dave waved the Herald through the air again (Audrey didn’t have to duck out of the way this time) and snorted. “Semantics. We both know that if Nathan didn’t want the relationship to end it wouldn’t have. Duke always gave into him.”

Audrey waved off a cup of tea but accepted one of the cookies. “So, Nathan was gay?” 

That was more information she’d had about her apartment’s former occupant then she’d… ever had, really. ‘He was very neat’ was about as far as it went, unless the landlady was feeling cross at Audrey or the downstairs neighbor had complained about how much she ‘clomped’. Then all of the things that Nathan had been good at (and quite possibly had never been good at) were trotted out so Audrey would feel shamed by the comparison. 

“Oh, no, not at all.” Dave’s spoon clinked against the bone china of the tea cup. “I think the term is pansexual now, right, Vince?” 

“Oh yes,” Vince shifted the cookies on the plate around until they all lay perfectly flat, then he ruined the design by picking one up. “He and Duke both, I believe. Before they were boyfriends they were roommates, you know.”

“Oh yes,” Dave said, “childhood friends, though. Nathan was dating… Jordan, wasn’t he?” 

Audrey had never had nosey neighbors before Vince and Dave. She wondered if this was what it was like to have family who gossiped about your love life. She supposed that, when she moved out, Vince and Dave would still be around to gossip about her love life… or lack thereof, anyway. She nibbled more on her cookie and waited for the good stuff.

Vince nodded. “Yes, Jordan at first but then…” He tapped the side of his nose and winked at Audrey, she really didn’t know what that meant, “he started dating Dwight.”

She choked.

“Dwight? Dwight from downstairs?” She made motions towards her shoulders and then broadened them. Dwight was like… well, if there was a lumberjack fantasy out there Dwight fit it. She was sure she’d read a trashy romance novel about a single dad werewolf and that was Dwight to a tee. Big, scary if you approached him at early hours of the morning or late at night, but also brimming with good cheer about his daughter. The kind of dad who showed you pictures whether you wanted him to or not.

Audrey liked him. She didn’t really get it, but she liked him.

Still, she’d never thought he was…

‘When you assume, Audrey Parker,’ she sternly scolded herself, ‘you make an ass out of me.’

“And then Duke went through a phrase. Lots of one night stands. He even started a semi-serious relationship with his ex-wife.”

Wow, ex-wife and a live in boyfriend. Guy was living it up. Maybe he wouldn’t mind Audrey keeping the shirtless picture. She’d finished her cookie. She almost wanted a cup of tea just so she’d have something to fiddle with while Vince and Dave dished.

“And then after a very loud argument…” Dave sighed, “they finally admitted how they felt about each other.”

“And we invested in a lot of ear plugs.” Vince sat back with a sigh, he motioned to Audrey and then the picture. “They were always fighting about something. And then that last fight… well, Duke must have packed his things and gone.”

“Or Nathan packed them up and put them in storage.” Dave suggested. “We never saw Duke again.” He leaned close to Audrey and dropped his voice to a whisper. “We thought he might have been killed.”

It surprised a laugh out of her, which got a smile from Dave. He’d been aiming for that. “Well, I’m glad to know that my apartment wasn’t the sight of a murder. I still don’t know what to do with all of this mail, boys, and you’re not helping me out there.”

“Oooh, keep it, what Nathan doesn’t know won’t hurt him. And Duke’ll lose interest eventually.”

\--

The box was… if Audrey was honest, the box was a little much. It looked like the kind of hand lacquered box you’d find inside of an expensive hippy import store. It looked like it cost close to $100 dollars. The wind chimes, the pancake mix, all of that she could justify but this… 

“You must really like him, huh?” She asked the picture on the fridge. The picture did not, of course, answer. Thankfully, Audrey wasn’t quite to the point that she expected it to. Still, it was nice to talk to something that wasn’t the television, her books, or the glow of her computer. At least Duke had a face.

…maybe she should get a cat.

No.

A plant?

“So,” she rubbed her thumb over the silver clasp of the box, it was intricately carved, black and shiny as nighttime rain, “what was he supposed to put in this?” She flipped it open. The inside of the box was plush and smelled like… she wasn’t sure. Sandalwood? Some kind of fancy incense? When she pushed on the fabric inside it sprung back. If Nathan had been female she’d have assumed the box was meant for jewelry or girly knick-knacks. Did men keep manly knick-knacks in expensive boxes?

“His keys?” She thought about the size of the box and raised her eyebrows. “Handcuffs?”

She looked at the postcard.

Shut the box.

And went out to buy a plant.

\--

“Hey, hey, Audrey,” Audrey turned to look at Dwight, her recent delivery heavy in her hands. The elevator was undergoing maintenance which meant she had to guiltily (she got enough cardio at work, theoretically, she could be lazy if she wanted to) walk down the first floor hallway to the stairs. Which meant passing Dwight’s door. Not that she’d been avoiding Dwight, since their paths didn’t cross much, but when she looked at a him all that looped through her head was ‘how hot is Wournos that his two exes look like THAT?’

“Dwight,” she smiled slightly, awkwardly, damn, she hated feeling awkward. “Uh, how’re you?”

Dwight looked harried. 

“I was hoping I could catch you,” he held out a bright pink envelope, “your invitation got dropped behind the couch. I thought we were one short.” 

Invitation? She took the pink envelope and examined the glitter pen handwriting. “Lizzie’s having a birthday party?” She asked as she cracked the adhesive and pulled out a card as glittery as the writing. When she opened it up something close to a cup of glitter showered over her hands and shoes. She’d never really been a pink and glitter kind of girl. The last interaction she’d had with Lizzie hadn’t suggested that she was a glitter and pink kind of girl either.

“Sorry about the glitter, McHugh got ambitious.” 

Audrey glanced up from the invitation to look at Dwight. She raised her eyebrows. Who the hell was McHugh? Dwight shook his head, clearly the answer would take too long for a brief hallway conversation. “So, she’s having a… law enforcement themed party?”

“Yeah,” Dwight’s put-upon sigh was single dad perfect. “Apparently being a repair man just isn’t good enough for her.”

Audrey snorted. Dwight was ‘just a repair man’ her ass. She’d investigated him enough to know that much.

“So, am I just supposed to show up and flash my badge? Arrest a piece of cake?” 

It already sounded better than the last week she’d had at work. More productive. She’d at least get to eat cake.

Dwight ran a hand through his hair. “If you don’t mind. There’ll be other adults at the party if you want, uh, you know my girlfriend Charlotte, right?”

“I don’t know if ‘know’ is the right word…” they’d met, once, awkwardly in the foyer of the apartment building. That was after she’d met Charlotte on the job. Meeting the girlfriend of one of your neighbors after you’d watched her dissolve flesh in a test tube and joke about ‘don’t drink it’ was… well, it didn’t make for the most relaxed of relationships.

Still, she’d still come to the party. She’d have to get a gift for Lizzie but…

“I don’t know, Dwight,” she drifted off, teasing him, “Charlotte’s great but the rest of them’ll be parents…”

“My friend Nathan’ll be there,” Audrey must have twitched, or widened her eyes, she… she definitely reacted. Dwight nodded, like he understood her reaction. “Right, right, you moved into his old apartment. You haven’t met McHugh yet but…”

Audrey raised her hand to stop Dwight before he could ramble on more. “I was just teasing, Dwight, I’ll come. How could I pass up a chance to meet someone who likes this much glitter?”

Also, Wournos.

Yeah, she was really curious about Wournos.

\--

Audrey found a child sized FBI costume at the party store and washed her own ‘FBI Agent’ mug until it shone. She packed them up in a box filled and wrapped in old newspaper and stared at it. She wondered if it needed a bow. 

“Wish me luck.” She said to Lexie the aloe plant, it was situated right by Duke’s picture so she could pretend she wasn’t talking straight to it. Box under his arm she adjusted her windbreaker, fixed her hair under her hat, and walked to the elevator. 

The party was in full swing when she arrived, obnoxious teeny bop music playing at a volume that made Audrey’s ears ache. The door to the small courtyard the apartment shared was open, the screen flapped in the breeze as kids ran in and out. Some wore camouflage, hand-made fire-fighter’s outfits, store bought police uniforms. One child wore a three piece suit with a handmade pin on their vest that read ‘Justice Viola’. Adults were scattered round the living room of Dwight’s apartment in patches of twos and threes.

A single man leaned against the doorway of the kitchen, a tall cool glass of water held in his hands. A badge hung on his belt and a tight grey Henley accenting lean muscle. His shirt was rolled up to his elbow exposing a labyrinthine tattoo on one arm. 

“Audrey!” Lizzie shouted louder than the Disney soundtrack playing. A plucky missile hit Audrey hard in the gut, enough to rock her back on her heels. The box in Audrey’s hands wobbled and fell.

Tall, pale, and handsome grabbed the box before it hit the floor. 

“Thanks,” she mouthed at blue-eyes, he smiled wordlessly at her.

“Sorry,” Lizzie pushed her hair back from her face and smiled at Audrey, “Dad said you’d come but you never RSVPed!”

“Apparently,” Audrey swung Lizzie around, “my invitation got lost! But I’m here now and I come bringing presents.” She leaned close to whisper to Lizzie, the brim of her hat brushed the girl’s forehead. “And your dad said I could arrest the cake.” 

“Officer Wournos already arrested the cake.” Lizzie spoke calmly and clearly, the ‘officer Wournos’ enunciated carefully. She’d clearly been told that ‘Officer Nathan’ wasn’t the right form of address. “So you’re going to have to ask him to transfer custody.”

“Is that right?” Audrey raised her eyebrows at the man she assumed was Nathan Wournos. “Officer Wournos?”

“I’m afraid so, Agent Parker.” Wournos’ lips twitched, not quite a smile but almost. Almost. She bet he’d be cute when he smiled. “And I don’t think the FBI has jurisdiction here.”

He offered her Lizzie’s present.

“Well,” Audrey handed the box to Lizzie, watched as she rushed it over towards the table stacked with boxes put together much prettily than Audrey’s, “we’ll see about that.” 

Wournos tucked his thumbs into his pockets and smiled at her, just a little smile, a shy little boy smile. That kind of smile could get people in trouble. That smile was going to get Audrey in trouble.

She smiled back. “Can we hash this out under the table? Too much paperwork the other way.” 

“I’d be willing to share a slice.” Wournos tilted towards her, then away. “But maybe on top of the table, I wouldn’t want to encourage bad habits.” 

\--

The knock at the door surprised Audrey, dressed for her day off in pajama pants and a loose top. She set the broom against the wall and gingerly stepped over the growing dust pile. She hated cleaning, she hated having to clean on her day off but it was really the only time where the guilt about the state of her apartment reared its ugly head. Her apartment wasn’t even that messy, since she was only in there to unpack Duke’s packages and sleep, but dust gathered.

“Coming!” 

It was a little weird that they were knocking instead of buzzing from the entrance but, Audrey supposed, it had to be someone from inside the building. She didn’t bother to check the peephole.

Nathan Wournos had his hands stuck inside of his tight blue jeans, the waistline pulled just far enough down that it exposed a sliver of the white tank top underneath his striped button up. Audrey told herself she wasn’t disappointed. 

“Hi.” She greeted, she echoed his stance from the party by leaning against the doorway of her apartment. “Come here often?”

Wournos cracked a small smile with just a hint of teeth. “All the time.”

“Funny,” Audrey glanced up and down the hall. Vince and Dave’s door was open which meant that, though she couldn’t see them, they were probably listening. Which meant her little flirtation with Nathan would be all round the building by noon. “I’ve never seen you here before.”

“Well,” Nathan rocked onto his heels, “it may have been a while.”

She stepped back from the door and motioned for Nathan to come in. “Did you want to talk?” 

“Sort of…” Nathan stepped into the apartment and glanced around. Audrey was sure he wasn’t judging her housekeeping but she still felt like the pile of dust had bloomed from a molehill into a mountain. “You haven’t changed it much.”

She wasn’t sure how to take his tone.

“I don’t really do…” she gestured at the walls, the couch was new (alright, second hand) but it was situated in front of the television which was propped on the only wall space large enough for a television. The rugs, to protect the floor, were probably similar enough to whatever Nathan had put down. A tall IKEA bookshelf sat next to the window by her fire escape. Her computer and desk were hidden in the spare bedroom, which she had turned into a semi-office, although she rarely used the desk. If she had to work from home she did it while sitting on her bed or the couch. “Decorating.”

Nathan shrugged those broad, pointed shoulders. “To be honest, neither am I. My roommate did all the decorating.”

The picture.

THE PICTURE.

“Duke… right? Vince… mentioned him.” Oh holy hells, should she offer him something to drink and run to the kitchen or should she not offer anything and hope that kept him out of the kitchen? But it’d be rude… “Do you want anything to drink? I’ve got water and, uh, coffee.” 

Wournos shook his head and Audrey resolutely did not heave a sigh of relief.

“I was actually…” he scratched the back of his head and looked around the room again, “I was wondering if you’d like to go out some time.”

“…” she blinked. “Go… out….” 

The pause has caused Nathan’s cheeks to bloom red, a flush that spreads down his neck under the high collar of his shirt.

“Are you asking me out on a date, officer Wournos?”

He kept on rubbing the back of his head and oh, yeah, she can understand why people fall for him. All that bashful small town boy charm. She wonders if Wournos has ever even been to a city bigger than Haven. Although… Haven’s pretty big, if she’s honest. Still, the baby blues, the off the rack L.L. Bean model look, yeah, it definitely works for her. 

“If you’re amenable, agent Parker. Something a little more intense than coffee, I think, since we probably both drink enough of that on the job.”

Audrey nodded. Did she ever drink a lot of coffee on the job. “Dinner…” How long had it been since Audrey had been on a date? She tried to compute it but couldn’t. Years, definitely, since… what had his name even been? Well, it had been so long she couldn’t even remember the man’s name. Wait, no! She’d gone out with Claire before she realized Claire had wanted to meet for headshrinking and not for a date. Okay, so that probably didn’t count. “Dinner sounds nice. I don’t really know the local restaurants.”

Take-out she had covered. Eat-in? Not so much.

Nathan’s smile was cute, shy, flirtatious. He was standing right by the wind-chimes. “I know a few, what-”

“I’ve been stealing from you.” Audrey blurted out. 

Oh, fuck.

But better to get it out now. It would have become more and more awkward to talk about and if their relationship continued and a box arrived while Nathan was around… Or hell, if he opened the hall closet or walked into the kitchen.

Nathan blinked.

“Mail fraud.” Audrey motioned towards the door. “You’ve been getting packages from your ex, Dave said you wouldn’t mind and I didn’t know how to contact you…” she drifted off and shrugged in the ensuing silence. “I ate the pancakes, so I can’t give those back but you can have the pan.”

Nathan still looked… stunned, definitely, confused as well. Surprised. Possibly hopeful? It was hard to tell. “Duke sent me things? I haven’t seen him in…” he drifted off too.

Then he shook himself. 

“Well, Dave was right, you can keep everything. Duke and I,” ah, and now he was frowning, “wait, did Dave tell you Duke was my ex?”

Audrey nodded. 

“…that doesn’t bother you?”

So that’s what it was about, now Nathan looked worried and Audrey took a step towards him her hand outstretched. She wasn’t the best at giving comfort, not unless they were victims of a crime, but she did try. “I can’t say I understand where you’re coming from, I’ve never managed to get more than a first date with a girl, but,” she shrugged, “it’d be kind of hypocritical of me to judge you.”

Of course, she rarely got past a first date with a guy either. Relationships tended not to work out for her.

Hopefully, since she was doing her best to be truthful this time around, things would.

\--

Three months, three weeks, and three days into their relationship (not that Audrey was counting) they were definitely solid as ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’. Nathan got this cute blush every time he called Audrey his girlfriend, Audrey took great pleasure in putting a picture of her boyfriend on her otherwise sterile work desk. Two more packages from Duke had arrived, one of them a painting of sunset at the beach (‘probably done by a local artist,’ Nathan had said, they hung it on the wall together) and the other a glass dildo colored to match the painting.

Nathan had flushed, really, really red at that. Audrey sanitized it and put it in the closet. Maybe, maybe… maybe one day they’d use it. It was pretty, anyway, almost pretty enough to leave out as decoration.

But that would have made Nathan uncomfortable and she was respecting his boundaries.

So, three months, three weeks, three days… and she got a knock on the door. Ratta-tat-tat, loud enough that Audrey (dressed to go to work) knew it wasn’t Nathan. His knocking was generally tentative and he would hesitate between raps. Like he was waiting for someone to call out or was preparing for a shave and a haircut joke. 

“Coming!” She called around her toothbrush. 

She pulled the door open.

“Duke!” The toothbrush, in the least attractive manner possible, fell out of her mouth and hit the floor. It jumped up and then landed again, on the toe of Duke Crocker’s boots.

“…do I… know you?” Crocker, looking tan as an airline ad with a blinding white smile, asked.

Audrey slammed the door shut.

Shit.

Damage control. Damage control, Parker! Okay. Deep breath. Duke didn’t need to know anything about her intercepting his packages. In fact, he wouldn’t, not unless she told him. All he knew was that she moved into Nathan’s apartment. And, okay, she was dating Nathan but he didn’t need to know that. Shit. Her toothbrush was outside. She was going to be late to work.

Duke knocked again. “Helllloooooo?” He called.

She took a deep breath. 

“Miss, I’ve got your toothbrush.”

She sighed and opened the door a crack. Crocker waggled the toothbrush back and forth, he even managed to make taunting attractive. “Thanks.” She pulled the door all the way open and held out her hand.

Duke didn’t yield the brush. “Sorry, but I was looking for Nathan Wournos, is he…”

“He doesn’t live here anymore.” Audrey reached for the toothbrush but Duke was taller than her and, childishly, he held it above his head so she couldn’t reach. “He moved out, I moved in, I don’t know his new address.”

Not strictly a lie, she’d been to Nathan’s new place (a little cabin-like house on the outskirts of Haven) but she wasn’t sure about the address. 

He handed over the toothbrush and raised his eyebrows. “Okay, I believe you,” his tone made it clear he didn’t believe her which Audrey considered to be unfair, Duke didn’t even know her, “I guess my packages have been re-routed, then.”

She twitched.

Duke’s eyes widened.

“I’m late for work.” Audrey closed and locked the apartment door and turned to make her exit down the fire escape. She’d call Nathan from the office. And maybe when she got back home Duke would be gone.

Or, she found out at the end of a long day, facing off against Nathan in the hallway outside her apartment. Her hand ached from writing reports for the last hour, she was emotionally weary, and she didn’t need to put up with two exes fighting after all of the fighting she’d seen that day. “Okay, look,” she motioned towards the apartment, “can we do this inside? I think Vince and Dave have enough gossip about us to last a lifetime.”

Or at least a few months.

Duke raised his eyes at Nathan.

Nathan, and there was no other word for it, smoldered. It’d be attractive if Audrey was in the mood.

She shook her hair out of her ponytail and pushed past the two of them. She left the door open in invitation and waited to see if they’d take it. She wasn’t really surprised when she turned around to find that neither of them had moved. God. Exes. She’d had enough bullshit with her own and she was rarely emotionally invested in them. “I’ve had a long day and I want a shower! So either get in here so we can get this over with or…”

Nathan broke away from the staring contest and stepped into her apartment first. Duke followed, and shut the door behind him.

Much the same way Nathan had, Duke glanced around the apartment. His eyes caught on the box on her bookshelf, the painting on the wall, the dangling wind chimes, he looked at Audrey and raised his eyebrows high on his forehead. “So, I guess you didn’t get my gifts.”

Nathan shrugged and sat next to Audrey on the couch. “You started sending them after my mail forwarding cut off.”

Duke clearly couldn’t argue with that, he pointed a finger at Audrey. “You said you didn’t know where he was.”

“I said I didn’t know his address which I don’t.” Audrey defended herself, Nathan murmured ‘I’ll write it down for you’ low enough she could keep on talking. “I wanted to talk to Nathan first to see if he wanted to see you. I got the feeling you two were…”

She made claws with her hands and scratched at the air. The interactions she’d seen hadn’t dissuaded her from this notion. Duke’s mouth wrinkled, he was clearly holding back a laugh.

Nathan just looked upset.

Audrey rolled her eyes.

“Look, Nathan, Duke clearly wants to at least talk to you.” She patted Nathan’s thigh. “And Duke, Nathan’s got a right to set boundaries. Also, this is my apartment, don’t break stuff, and I’m going to take a shower.”

She ignored the dual voices of discontent as she stood up from the couch. Clearly they needed a referee but she wasn’t interested in being that right now. She was tired, she felt grimy, and they were both adults. They could deal.

“Have fun!”


	2. Investments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Audrey is not a Christmas fan, she doesn't decorate, she doesn't play music and she doesn't... well, celebrate. Nathan loves Christmas and she's willing to try, for him. Duke has a lot of things left over from the breakup that maybe, maybe he'd be willing to share.

Audrey had to admit, she’d never had a Christmas like this before. Her little apartment smelled like Christmas, it looked like Christmas. The day after Thanksgiving (which they had enjoyed in the company of Dwight and his extended family) Nathan had packed up the limited autumn decorations she had and asked her pointblank where her Christmas decorations were.

Admitting to your, apparently Christmas obsessed, boyfriend that you weren’t fond of Christmas was not a fun conversation.

The next day Nathan had brought over a living Christmas tree.

The day after that Duke had showed up at her door.

“Nathan said that you didn’t have any Christmas decorations.” He had a U-haul box held in his arms and an awkward expression on his face. She could only imagine how such a conversation had gone down.

“So you… brought me some?” She went on tip-toe to pick at the box’s lid and attempt to peer inside. Duke backed away a step, the box held protectively close.

“I’m lending you some.” Heavy emphasis on ‘lending’, he looked past her into her sparingly decorated apartment and raised his eyebrows pointedly. “Although I can see that perhaps you need them more than I do.” 

She sighed, “you two are incorrigible,” and stepped back to let him inside. 

The box was opened (by the chimney with care, she joked to herself) reverently and crumpled up newspaper began to pile up. She sat next to Duke and unfolded one of the sheets. “Have you had this packed away since the breakup?”

Duke froze for a second before he shook it off and pulled a box of Christmas lights. “I haven’t lived around here since then.” Which was as good as a yes. “We need to test these to be sure they still work.” 

“Couldn’t we just buy new ones?” She took the box over to the outlet and opened it up. Inside were two tightly wrapped bundles of colored lights that she gingerly pulled out. Pop-culture would have her believe that string lights tangled at the barest touch but these held firm in a carefully wrapped bundle. “They’re a couple of bucks at the corner store.”

“Well, you could, but I’m not using these and it saves you a few bucks.” There was something wistful in his tone. She glanced up at him, the lights bright against the palm of her hand, and caught the sad twist of his lips before he replaced it with a smile. “Test the next one and we’ll get started on winding them round the tree.”

It took hours to wrap the tree in lights, hang the ornaments, decorate her mantle and place snowflake decals in ‘the right places’ on her windows. She found it… oddly fun.

Even if she thought it was ridiculous.

A knock at her door heralded Nathan’s arrival, he let himself in with his own key. “Audrey,” he smiled at her, soft and wondering, and then glanced up at Duke with a mutinous expression, “Duke.”  
“Nathan.” Duke replied, his tone even. 

She glanced between the two of them and raised her eyes to the ceiling. “Is it going to be like this every time? I thought you sent him!” She was going to have to lock them in a closet at some point, she could feel it, it might be the only way to get the two of them to talk. 

Grim silence.

When she looked Nathan, clearly uncomfortable, shifted from foot to foot and refused to meet either of their eyes. “I didn’t think you’d bring them over.” He glanced past Audrey to the snowflakes, then over to the already decorated tree. His face fell. 

Audrey’s heart dropped. She should have realized Nathan would want to decorate.

She glanced at Duke, from his frantic expression he had completely misread Nathan’s signals as well.

“I thought you wanted me to, your voicemail wasn’t… exactly clear.” He tugged on the edges of his overly large sweater and glanced round the room, his eyes landed on the box at the foot of Audrey’s tree. “Uh, there is one more ornament… left.”

He winced.

Audrey glanced from one man to the other but Nathan now looked as confused as she did. 

“I’ll get it.” She was closest after all, she reached into the box and pulled out a wrapped box. Unlike the other ornaments, which had been carefully wrapped in newspaper, this one was dressed like a present. Shiny red wrapping paper and an artfully drawn on bow. ‘To Nathan’ the handwriting, that must have been Duke’s, read. “Looks like I intercepted another delivery.” She teased Nathan when she handed it over.

“Looks like.” Nathan’s forehead furrowed as he looked down at the box, then up at Duke, then over to Audrey. He carefully slid his finger under the tape at the top.

“He’s like this every time.” Duke faux-whispered to Audrey. “Christmas morning takes hours.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Audrey replied with a smile and wasn’t surprised when Nathan ripped into the wrapping paper viciously after that. Bits of shining red paper fluttered to the floor to be caught amongst the white felt wrapped round the base of the tree. “What is it?”

Nathan’s face turned slowly pink, then red but when he looked at Duke there was a hint of a smile on his face. “I thought it broke.”

He turned the gift round so Audrey could see the inside of the box. Pressed tight against plastic was an ornament unlike any that she had ever seen. Since Duke’s ornaments weren’t the usual kind to start with (her tree had only two shiny balls and she had chosen not to comment on the fact that they were both blue) she hadn’t thought that ornaments could get more outrageous. Clearly her imagination was not up to competing against the Christmas spirit. “Is that a…” she tilted her head to the side, confused.

“Is that a mermaid policeman?” 

She wished she’d taken Duke up on that cup of eggnog for the alcohol content alone, sadly, she hated eggnog and it had been too early in the morning for a straight drink.

“It is, it is,” Duke nodded, “and it did break I just…” he adjusted his sweater again, “bought a new one.” 

“…” Nathan bit his bottom lip and then looked upwards at the ceiling. “I might have a pirate merman back at my house.” He muttered under his breath, barely audible. Duke and Audrey both had to lean in to hear him which put them both… almost in kissing distance.

Huh. Audrey thought about it.

…she needed to invest in some mistletoe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SEXY MERMAN ORNAMENTS ARE A THING. [this is the sexy copy](https://www.amazon.com/December-Diamonds-Officer-Ripped-Ornament/dp/B005TQKYHY) and [this sexy tattooed merman](https://www.amazon.com/December-Diamonds-Glitter-Christmas-Ornament/dp/B006WHIJTE/) is the one Nathan has for Duke.


End file.
